Post 43 – Thursday, 1/2/25
Under the penname of John Reid, Andrew Tobias described his childhood in his text, “The Best Little Boy In The World.” He complained of not being allowed to work with his father. He was not permitted to paint or saw. He had no male playmates within miles and groused that his mother “lets me set the table.” He recalled, “I was all of 11 when I first ‘knew’ what I was, in a tentative, semi-conscious sort of way, hoping to be proved wrong, but knowing for certain, down deep, that it was snake eyes for keeps. No fingers crossed.”
Tobias poignantly described the unity and sameness with peers for which he yearned. "But, oh, what I would have given to be Tommy’s real best friend. God, how I wanted to be like him, to do the same mischievous, self-assured things he did, to have muscles and blonde hair and a smile like his. Nothing in our relationship would be disgusting, nothing unmentionable. Just to be like the Hardy boys, two blood brothers, two cowboys… That’s it: two cowboys."
Generally, doing gay entails oblique actions in response to having strong needs for social and emotional intimacy with others of one’s own gender. It leads to behaviors most would initially prefer to avoid. They feel forced to bow in worshipful obeisance before those godly others whom they so admire. They feel required to adjust to their sensual inclinations as their attraction and incessant emotional draws seem natural and reflexive. While continuance often leads to preference, the “best little boy” wrote of having to force himself and smear another’s singular symbol of masculine vitality with raspberry jelly. But he held a line and managed to avoid other erotic responses to the persistent draw.
Again, Homosexual orientation is not directly chosen. Same-sex sexuality is adjustive behavior, the outgrowth of boys’ failure to adequately identify and be fully united socially and psychologically with their fathers and peers.
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Post 44 – Saturday, January 4, 2025
Assessments regarding self and others can be positive or negative. A very important question is, How do gays commonly arrive at their sense of “personal inadequacy” that was defined by Dr. Kaplan? (post 42) What discourages the development of affirming self-esteem, but rather puts in its place an abiding conviction that is pejorative and abasing?
Gender-role estrangement can evolve from a prior dissatisfaction with oneself. It far precedes the development of erotic desire. The sense of inferiority can come from either an incontrovertible physical blemish, some early health trauma or relational insult that precludes the formation of positive bonds with primary caregivers. Whatever the circumstance, it has been uninvited. It happened, and it is what it is and cannot be circumvented. For gender-identity development, boys’ first five years of childhood are critical. Negative conclusions regarding oneself may lie deeply buried in the subconscious mind, but they continue to control everyday life and relationships.
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